Well, my 3-year tumorversary came and went yesterday. I spent it at home because my brain decided to have one of its "off" days yesterday. Basically, my brain will every once in a while decide to shut down which prevents me from doing any critical thinking. Also avoiding over-stimulation is a must as well. I imagine it to be like my brain trying to run through quicksand, or as though it's running in a hamster wheel. It also sometimes feel like my brain is floating outside of my cranium and detached from my body. Weird sensations all around.
I can't quite put my finger on why this occurrences happen. Not sure if it's from stress (likely culprit) or from something else. It's come on both in times of high and low stress, so who knows. I think maybe this episode occurred from my mountain bike escapade from this past Saturday. I went on a route I haven't ridden in three years now. It's rather steep with a good amount of elevation in a relative short amount of distance. I may have pushed too hard this time around as I was in oxygen deprivation for a longer period than I normally am. Typically after a climb, if I rest a bit, then I'm back to normal. However, after the climbs on this ride, it felt different, like the light-headedness just wouldn't go away. Even on Sunday I felt off and my brain just didn't seem right. Unfortunately I can pinpoint exactly what it felt like, but just felt off.
So normally when my brain decides to shut down, all I can really do is try and let it veg and not do anything. I awoke this morning feeling a little better, but as of this moment, I still feel somewhat off. I guess it typically takes me 2-3 days to get back to "normal" levels when this occurs. I thought about taking the day off from work today as well, but it's been so busy that I couldn't afford to miss another day. Like so many times, I get to start thinking about my situation. I start thinking about what a bummer that I'm going through this episode. Then start thinking about how this episode is another reminder that I have brain cancer, then another reminder that I'm not normal, then it spirals down to the fear of missing work and decrease work efficiency, then potentially losing my job, then my insurance, livelihood, etc...Oh what a wicked cycle it is.
The odd thing is that, I've never really had the thought of "Why me?" cross my mind. It's always been mainly, "Why now?" Like this brain cancer and episodes have been and are more of an annoyance more than anything. I hope not to cross the line and hoping that I can stay behind the line. Anyway, I guess a happy 3-year tumorversary to me.
