Brittany Maynard in Oregon who has elected to move on on her times and not GBM IV's terms has been on my mind and reading her story has brought back a flood of emotions and thoughts. I'm about 3.5 years removed from my initial diagnosis and this "passive" recovery we're has been so much more difficult than the active recovery period (i.e., the physical recovery period from the surgeries, treatments, etc...). During the active recovery, everything was regimented and scheduled, and throw in the fact that we were just trying to get over the physical pain, there wasn't much time to think about anything else.

Now that we're in this passive recovery, i.e., recovering from any long-term affects, coping with our new found deficiencies, and just plain 'ole, trying to reshape our reality, everything is just so muddled. There really isn't a structure or clear cut plan for us to follow anymore, and we slowly realize more and more each passing day the uncertainties that we find ourselves in. I find myself thinking of how did I get here and more importantly, what do I do now. There are a million paths to take, but they all look the same.

Many of my friends have moved on, while I remain "here." I think it's both them and me finding it difficult to find that common ground. I admit that a lot of it has to do with me just being "different" now.

This "new" normal is a new reality and for me, for all intents and purposes, my old self died on that operating table, my new self grew during the active recovery, and I was born at the end of the active recovery period. Now instead of starting anew, my new self still has memories of my past self and it makes it so hard to move forward.

I find myself reminiscing once again. Just did a Google Earth session of street viewing (of the places that allow it) all of the places from my past. Of the elementary school I went, of all the homes I grew up in, of the places I've traveled to, just everything. Mind you, I did this while listening to Dustin O'Halloran and of course my Tron Legacy mix. A little background of the Tron Legacy mix, yes, it may be by Daft Punk, the kings of house music, however the music they composed for Tron Legacy just captured the feelings I had during that confusing time after my craniotomy and I suppose I still have now... Here is the mix and they should be listened in the order in which they are presented. I've given each track my own titles. These are best listened to in the middle of the night on the road...

Escape

Nowhere to Run/Face Your Fears

A New Beginning (actual name of song is aptly titled, "Prelude to Sunrise")

Inevitable?