Not really related to my tumor, well, not directly, but was thinking about the brother that I never knew and got really emotional today. The brother I am speaking of was my parents' first born, but passed away before his first birthday back in the old country. He was sick the day he was born and my parents never gave him a name. So I've been thinking about him a lot lately and wondering how things would be if he lived. If he had lived, I most likely would not be here. I would trade my life for his in an instant if I could and I wish I could. I have a feeling that my family would be better off if he was living today. My mom has said that he looked like my father which is a good thing. My dad in his younger years was a rather fashionable and handsome guy (just think a cross between James Dean and a young Elvis), which to the dismay of my mom, did not pass on to myself and my living brother (lol). I have always wondered what he would have been like. Would he have been kind, be the type of son my parents would be proud of? Would he have found a great wife and have wonderful kids and be the bearer of the family legacy??? Would he have been a great brother to my sister and my brother, someone that they would look up to?

It's odd, my mom always tells us of her run in with a lady back in the old country before the passing of my eldest brother. The lady was a fortune teller of sort. Having never met my mom, she mentioned to my mom that she was sorry about my brother's condiion and that he was not meant to be born to my mom and that is why he was sick. She stated that he will pass, but not to worry because he was not meant to be with my parents in the first place. She went on to say that my mom and dad were suppose to have a daughter first, that she will be as healthy as a child can be, and that my folks will only have three children. Lastly, she also mentioned that in the not too distant future that my mom will travel to a very far off place, a place that my mom never thought about. Well, it turns out that the next child my parents had turned out to be my sister who was healthy as a mule, then when the old country fell to the North Vietnamese forces, my parents ended up here in the US. They then had me, their third child. Their second child is my living brother.


Anyway, I think my eldest brother would have made my parents really proud. He would be 40 years old going on to 41 later in the year. If he had survived, then I probably wouldn't be around and wouldn't worry my folks due to my brain tumor. Having this brain tumor now, I sometimes think, what was the point of taking away my eldest brother just to have me come down with this tumor. I understand that life is just what it is, but it can be unfair at times...*sigh* As I stated, I have always wished my brother had lived and none more so than now.